But all that has been said before, and I’m tired of saying it.

However, I really don’t get tired of saying that the current “emo” fad holds the crown and scepter for being the funniest non-pasteurized shit that I have ever seen in my short years. And boy do I get to see it often.

Is there anything funnier than a fashion subculture purportedly based on individuality, anti-commercialism, and an alleged disdain for authority, yet is created and pushed forth by record label executives and clothing brands to take advantage of the gullibility of the general populace of cardboard rebels? Yeah, a lot of things are funnier. But still.

The mantra seems to be “individuality through uniformity”, which quite frankly blows my mind.

And it’s so easy to take advantage of these kids! I even made a list of guidelines to do so!

1) Have a celebrity make a music video or commercial spot about whatever you’re trying to push (studded yarmulkes, Three Stooges brand cock rings, neckties you wear on your head which feature embroidery spelling “Cosby”, etc.). This actually constitutes a good investment, since the “emo” kids love to wear things that make them feel like they’re on their way to the nearest Burger King after being rejected from their American Idol audition (cooler than winning).

2) Feature your product at an appropriate store ( Hot Topic… Hot Topic). Self-explanatory. The tag actually makes most products. Just try selling one at K-Mart at half the price, you will go nowhere at a moderate speed.

3) Overprice it. Important because the kids can’t feel like their idols unless they spend like them.

4) Irony sells. Nothing is really off-limits, which is why this market is so attractive. It’s cool to say terrible things are good. A little known fact about “emo” kids is that you could actually sell them rusty thongs given the right marketing (see points 1 and 2) and color schemes (pink, black… wait it just became light blue and Stucco-textured maroon). Oh, and no kid ever dares to be the first, though they all want to, so a wise thing to do is to plant payed undercover employees to wear your product and generally act in a highly imitable fashion in public places, to sort of ease the transition from being attention whores to being attention whores with pink bolts through their necks.

5) Mix it up every two months. These kids are whores, but they catch on eventually. Once they realize studded yarmulkes have become “cool” to people outside their peer groups, it’s curtains for them, no longer fit for the wearing. This forces you to adapt, so begin work on providing them with the items they now need to fulfill their inner need to look like an idea between waking up to an alarm clock which plays a loop of Bela Lugosi’s laughter and falling asleep to a recording of Trent Reznor’s weeping, while trying to convince themselves that they know who both of these are.

All seriousness aside though, I’m in a good position with this “emo” situation. It’s win-win. Sure, they name-drop good bands of whom they have often heard little more than half a song, which kind of ruins them for me, but think about it. As long as the fad continues, I’ll have something to think and smile about whenever I’m not busy. Once it burns itself out, I can proudly exclaim “I called it, didn’t I?”. Also, it will be over.

Quit kidding yourselves, “emo” kids, you are nothing more than a target demographic with purchased personalities, and once the fad is gone and your clothes hit the bottom of garage sale bins, you won’t even have those.

Yes, that is how I just chose to begin my web logging career, fully aware of the seductions of the backspace key, yet stern enough to ignore it in favor of reaching my next sentence more expediently. In the biz, people understand this.

Don’t let yourself be alarmed by the title of this blog, it’s simply meant to be sexy to the senses; to grab your attention, rub it raw between its breasts, then sneak out at 3am leaving a pink Post-It on your forehead with a blunt yet eloquent “it was fun but hey let’s never do it again” written on it. This is no storm watch.

Instead, in this blog: I will write about one thing or another, you will agree or disagree, and then react accordingly. I expect hate mail from fans of irrationality or the Blue Collar Comedy people. I mean, if backwoods ignorance these days can pass for countryside charm and get you hell of quantitative royalties on top of a television program then undoubtedly I must start ridin’ that pony. But that is neither here nor there.

That’s it for now, my as of yet imaginary multi-ethnic fanbase. I will look for Something to write about/on.